I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”