boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.