I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.