REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.