Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.