When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
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I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER