fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
You Might Also Like
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.