I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced