judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.