Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”