Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider