None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023