Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Sounds like a bargain
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.