Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

PLOT TWIST:

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”