@LizHackett Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
@Shariv67 Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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@LizHackett 
@Try2StopME Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
@XplodingUnicorn 11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
@chrisdelia I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
@malt_skull *going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
@riley_fox 2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
@david8hughes *on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
@The_GetawayGirl i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
@heatherlou_ If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
@AddledPixie I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.