Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs