If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
This week’s mood.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*