Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
technically true but not a great slogan
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.