It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
So true for me
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.