Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.