Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Worst Native American name ever.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
a god among men
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store