@longwall26 I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
@Cornjerker78 Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
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@longwall26 
@OneStopComedy Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
@CountDankulaTV I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
@ComicBookNOW No chill.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
@onion_an [police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
@PoliticallyILL1 I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
@canadasandra Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
@thepunningman #inspiration #foodforthought
@MiddlingMs 2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.