@Cornjerker78

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

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@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@TheTweetOfGod

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

@BigJDubz

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

@MoistPork

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

@GreenishDuck

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

@DogGoing

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

@ColoradoUgly

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire