Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.


Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.


I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.


Review of the Solar System

“Only one star”


Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”


Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.


If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.


You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire