Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.