@DosieDoe I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
@Cornjerker78 Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
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@DosieDoe 
@IGotsSmarts Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
@TheTweetOfGod I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
@BigJDubz Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
@MoistPork Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
@GreenishDuck Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
@DogGoing If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
@ColoradoUgly You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
@Inconsteveable Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
@GingerHotDish Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire