@Cornjerker78

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

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@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

@OneStopComedy

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

@CountDankulaTV

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@onion_an

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@MiddlingMs

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.