I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
*weighs self after shaving
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
He-man has a Masters degree
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.