I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Straight people are cancelled
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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Tough love is true love
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