Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
There’s only one good girl here!