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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Art by Pastelkatto
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.