My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
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Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now