Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
A short story about romance.
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Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.