Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”