Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.