There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense