Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
nice challenge
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”