20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……