Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Hero horse inspires millions

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few