I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.