Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.