Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
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I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Happens to everyone.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.