“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The options really are this bad
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists