Have a lovely day 馃槉
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I鈥檓 gonna need more options.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Optimus Prime鈥檚 mom walking in on him while he鈥檚 carjacking
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that鈥檚 like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I quit dating because I鈥檓 a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom鈥檚 mustache is way better than yours
Me-