grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
This is a sub tweet
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects