They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.


I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”


Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.


Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?


“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market


So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*


Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*


I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.