I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
it must be school picture day