i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”