Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark