Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
At least he brought enough for everyone
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”