How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
You Might Also Like
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”