9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Wait for it
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.