My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.