[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG