“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
A classic…
me hooking up with my ex
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.