People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done