A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
oppen heimer style lol
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*orders delivery*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Maths meets science
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house