She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now