It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
2022 be like
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.