Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.